A New Year, A New Focus

Somehow we are at another new year, and I’ve been a published author for more than five years.

This year though I have decided something. It is an extension on a decision I made last year when I realised my job was causing me more stress than ever before. I’ve given so much to my work and know first hand, just how much they don’t care. More than than I will not go into, suffice to say it is why I went back to study.

This year I’m taking significant time off work, thank heavens for long service leave, to focus on the things in my life that make me happy. For me those things are study and writing.

I have the first book of my new series almost ready to send to my editor and I’ve started looking at cover art.

For study I am overloading the semester I am off work because I have a goal to finish my study this year. By Christmas I should have completed my Masters Degree.

As for work, well we will see where that all goes. Now though, even as I am still at work counting down my shifts till my leave starts, I am hitting word targets in my WIP, getting words down in a short or two, and working on a non-fiction project.

And just to be really ridiculous, I’ve booked myself in for an audition (because I’m going to have so much free time).

Oh, and my vow with my loved ones this year, (the year I turn the big 5 0) is to have a year filled with memory creating moments. Cue show tickets, good food and fun times.

Funny Turns

It’s been months since my last post. So long in fact that my computer made me go searching a long way around to find my own blog. I knew it had been a while but time seems to slip away from me these days.

Biggest change is I’ve gone back to uni. I’m studying something I love and to be honest it’s kind of what is getting me through.

Work is really rough for so many reasons and sometimes in life you just know when you need to change things. I need to change things, hence the study.

I haven’t forgotten my first passion though, I wrote a short for submission for a sort of prestigious short story comp. To be honest I’m a little tired of hoping someone will love my stuff, well someone who can turn my writing into something akin to money that is. I love the fact I’ve gotten my books out there, and even more love the fact that some people had read those books and love them, but I’m not too proud to say it would be awesome if I could truly catch a break.

Clearly today is not the best of days. I said good bye to another friend today. A beautiful lady who was such a lovely presence in my life. That’s two incredible people cancer has taken in the last couple of months. I’m tired of the tears. I’m tired of seeing some incredible people struggle.

Yet we still go on. On days like this when I’m a little down I do what I can to keep putting one foot in front of another, then I go to bed knowing it’s likely I’ll feel better when I get up tomorrow. Well when I wake up enough to have actual thoughts.

So here’s my real thought for today: cherish those you love, we never know how long we are going to get with them, and more, do what makes you happy. Yes I know sometimes work doesn’t fill that spot but the best thing to do then is know, work isn’t the most important thing, most bosses wouldn’t care much if you left, mine certainly wouldn’t, and yet if you have to say, believe me I hear that, make sure you fill the other spaces of your life with things that make you happy.

Me I write, I throw axes and I study. It doesn’t matter if others don’t get it, as long as you find your happy place.

PS. One way or another I’m really hoping to either have a publishing contract or another book out before July next year. Oh crap, I do believe I just gave myself a deadline.

Creative Explosion

So I’ve been on leave from work fro the last few weeks and it has been great. Thing is people don’t get me because I haven’t gone anywhere, or really done anything outside of my house (excluding couple of catch ups). These weeks though have been wonderful, I have thrown myself into all things creative and it feels so good. It really is my happy place.

I published a book, I submitted another book from my new series to a publisher, I finished a red pen edit of book two of that series and I’ve thrown myself back into the world of screenwriting. I just love it. I’m learning, reading, watching, researching and creating characters and places for them to play. I only wish I could do this full time.

Unfortunately it as yet doesn’t pay my bills. I look forward to the day it does. In the mean time I am throwing myself into these things because I am passionate about them, they make me laugh and cry and I want to share these stories with others.

To be honest it is probably the most productive, creatively I’ve been in a while. Sure I never stopped, but I threw myself into work, and for a while I got passionate about that, but guess what? Work didn’t care. They didn’t care when I wrote a paper and got invited to speak at an international event. They didn’t care when I suggested some ideas I later found out they tried to pursue leaving me out of the equation. And so this year I turned away from applying for a permanent promotion for the job I was already doing and said, this year I’m going to focus on the creative.

And I have. It is my heart and my happy place and work exists merely to pay my bills. There is no challenge there, there is no dedication to my job and no respect for those who sacrifice employees for their own positional climb.

I respect creatives. I love spending time with them. I love their passion, because bottom line, most wouldn’t be doing it if they weren’t passionate because so few make huge amounts of money from it. Which isn’t to say making piles of money isn’t something I wouldn’t like.

This year I have performed as a voice actor, an actor, and once again published something new. The words are flowing, the emersion into characters, worlds and their lives has been a wonderful rollercoaster.

This is my happy place and I think I want to stay here. Now just to figure out how to get paid enough to leave my other job. Till then though stay passionate people, it is the heart of living.

Life Has Chapters

I’m very good at my job, the problem is my job is changing and to my mind, not for the better. Needless to say I’ve been struggling with what the best thing to do is. Yesterday I came to a sad conclusion and was in a pretty down headspace, to put it mildly. I’m resilient, so I knew I would be able to continue on and even maybe have a better day.

Today, when I woke up I had a message regarding a possible new beginning, that wasn’t a no. That by the way is something my youngest likes to say when I don’t shut down her suggestions right away. Not having yet another door slammed in my face, or having to dig another knife out of my back, was a good way to start my day. It meant I started my day with a smile on my face before I got out of bed.

Speaking of bed, while I was lying there, partly wishing for more sleep, I got to thinking about this last chapter of my life, the one I’m still in. As difficult as it has been at times, there have been some positive things to have come out of it – a couple of things that look pretty fine on my updated CV, and a few really awesome people I wouldn’t have met otherwise. Thinking about those people, I realised I’m glad my life path crossed with theirs, then I thought about how you can’t take the next step, if you haven’t taken the previous one.

To bring things back to my title analogy, any reader knows you can’t really get to the final chapter if you don’t go through the ones in between. Sure you could read just the final chapter but what would be the point; you won’t be invested in the characters, you will have no understanding of their character arcs and in truth you will have no context for their end point.

When it gets difficult, we should remember that life is a journey, it’s about the path and those who’s paths cross with ours, it’s not really about the end. Life isn’t smooth and easy, well it hasn’t been for me, but the sun rises after it sets, a new day is another day for amazing opportunities we haven’t had yet. I just live in the hope that one of these days I will wake and find I’m making enough money from writing that I don’t need to worry about income from other sources to pay my bills.

Today was a happier day, and I am again holding onto hope and looking forward to the events that will be revealed once the right page has been turned over.

Plans, They Don’t Always Work

So today was just one of those days. I thought I’d get called in for OT at work, which I kinda need because, unexpected bills – like car failure. I didn’t.

Well I did but I thought they’d call at a certain time and they called way earlier than I expected, so no OT.

That’s fine, because it means another day to get my word count cracking. I had a very definite plan for the things I wanted to accomplish.

Except…

My youngest wanted a lift to school, and be picked up after. Then I had to go to school at a reasonable time to sort out some stuff for her.

Then I had to take my newest student to the train. He had, had plans to help a friend which didn’t go as planned, so he volunteered me if the need arose.

Factor in a short amount of time for writing before the eldest needed to be taken to a job interview.

Pulling into the driveway after the interview and the friend calls for the aforementioned help. So I head out again.

Then there are complications with the task at hand and we don’t get done until pick up munchkin time.

On getting home I figure I sit on my arse and get a few words written maybe, or I go for a run, like I had planned to fit into my day.

Run it is, and then I barely get through the door before I have to head out again to pick hubby, the oldest student up.

Now I am at the end of the day and I’m writing this because I needed to get something up on here and I figured focusing on anything else much wasn’t going to happen.

Then I’m back at work tomorrow.

But you know what, it wasn’t a bad day, and sometimes for someone like me who sets goals and has plans it’s not always bad to have your plans messed up a bit. It is good to be reminded that life is about those who are in it with you.

And Then

So I was hoping to have finished the read aloud edit of my short stories by now but it wasn’t to be. It seems that sometimes life likes to throw us curveballs. In my case it has been a family emergency. the details aren’t necessary, needless to say my focus has been elsewhere.

Still I’ve at least been able to start transcribing the NaNo draft to my computer and it is currently sitting at over 50000 words. It looks as though next year may be a year for two releases, even though I got none out this year.

And what a year it has been.

I was in the fortunate position that nothing about my job changed. I work in an industry that has to just keep going despite things such as pandemics. In that respect I have been thankful. Though to be completely honest when I am making enough money from my writing I will absolutely quit.

Still on the topic of work, I have spent most of my year acting in a more senior position and I recently made the decision to step away from that, now I have the choice. So many people don’t understand my decision. Here it is summed up in a question a good friend asked, ‘do I want a job or a career?’ The answer is a job, see the point about me walking away.

When I am in my regular job my work/life balance is better. I have less stress. It is easier for me to focus on writing and other creative pursuits and it is those things that feed my soul. Work is a job. It is something I do and I’ve proven I can to the senior position I just don’t need it.

It seems to me that some people out there are driven by their job title, they have to have a certain standing and will do anything to get it even if they really aren’t qualified. You know what? Good luck to you. Just don’t think a title gets you respect, but I hope it makes you happy. I would prefer to be doing the things that make me happy and we all know what that is.

Thing is I would have thought this year would have been the year that made people realise the value of the things that truly give your life meaning and bring happiness to it.

As we step into a new year and people do what they do at this time, don’t lose hold of what you gained having made it through 2020.

I understand there are probably some who say I can’t possibly understand not having lost my job. And that part it true. And admittedly the social restrictions didn’t effect me a lot as I’m not a very social creature. That doesn’t mean 2020 didn’t have it’s problems for me.

2020 reinforced to me that friends and family are a core requirement in my life. It showed me how valuable my creative side is to me. It pushed my budgeting skills and laid me on my face before God on more than one occasion.

We have two options I think, stepping out this other side into 2021. We can pretend things can go back to normal (whatever that is) and we have learnt nothing, or we can learn – see how in some places the earth healed as certain industries were shut down, see how deeper connections are what get us through because they hold the most meaning, we can remember to tell those we care about how much they mean more regularly because we sometimes don’t know when/if we will be able to see them again.

It would be good if we could see the interconnectedness of our actions, but it seems for some that may not be a thing. There will perhaps always be those who are more concerned with their own selfish desires than the bigger picture.

I hope for most of us at least we have learnt more about ourselves this year and what things matter to us. Stepping forward these are the things we need to hold on to the tightest.

As for me I will hold my family tight, continue with my writing and invest time in those friends who hold a place in my heart.

Bring on 2021. I have more things I need to accomplish.

Moving Forward

For most people this year has been one full of changes and unexpected pains. Whilst COVID did very little to effect most of the areas of my life it has without question changed things in the bigger picture.

However I am not going to talk about that.

I am going to talk about the fact that life goes on and in amongst all the difficulties this year has presented us, sometimes normal life just likes to throw us the shittiest of curveballs.

Now my job is a tough one and one I don’t talk about all that often, certainly not in specifics. This year I changed work locations, I needed to. Thing is I was worried about the move because change isn’t always comfortable. I have settled in, I think but it hasn’t been smooth sailing.

The new people I work with have been welcoming and truthfully as adults we know that we are not going to get along with everyone we work with. Which makes this place like any other place I have ever worked.

What was different, was I was thrust into a more senior position because they needed people to fill them. Very few people actually wanted to fill those roles during a period of transition because transition is difficult. However I did step up and at times felt like I was barely keeping my head above water for reasons I cannot go into.

Then I started to feel as though I was more than competently doing the job. If my line manager wanted something done he would come to me. I have been told repeatedly that I was doing a great job.

Into this mix throw a critical situation that I would have preferred not to have had to deal with but I did and it’s part of the job. I got nothing but compliments for that too.

But…

The transition period is coming to an end, and now other people want that permanent position. And it turns out that I’m not so good on paper saying look at me I’m great, give me the job. I truly feel that my ability to do the job should speak for itself. Even though really I should know better because I’ve seen this promotion process repeatedly promote people that make no sense to me.

It was crushing. Particularly seeing as some of those who applied … oh it doesn’t matter.

Back to being crushed. People have said several times, words to the effect of  ‘but I thought you were a definite’, as if that was supposed to make me feel better. It doesn’t because now they are saying how can the writer write a bad Expression of Interest application. Crushing blow number two. So not only am I shit at my job I am also a shitty writer.

What do I do?

Well I fantasised about pitching a fit and telling them to shove it, to which my hubby looked at me, basically shook his head, asked if I felt better getting it out of my system, then asked what I was really going to do.

I love him, he keeps me grounded and focused.

So what am I going to do?

I am going to do what I always do. Pick myself up. Look at what matters. Remind myself that it is a job that pays my bills and like most employers I am just a person who gets the job done, I am no more important, or less important, than anyone else.

Then I am going to focus on the things that make me happy; family, and the creative life. Oh and axe throwing, I do like axe throwing.

See because life is full of these moments for most of us. And it is how we face it, pick ourselves back up and move on that matters. I will say my piece because going quietly into the night isn’t my style, and I will remind myself that if I actually had a choice in it all, my job of preference would be writing – fiction.

And maybe I need to remember a little of those writing skills when I write my next application.

I don’t give up in other areas of my life, (I still haven’t made my millions from my books, though I’m still holding onto that dream), so I won’t give up now. And I’m not the only person in life to be passed over for a promotion. In life we face the storms, buckle down and get on with things, knowing that tomorrow is another day.

Tough Times, Tough Decisions.

The start of this year has been tough.

Unexpected expenses, but that’s life, just work more to deal with them. Broken promises, disappointing but life goes on. the weight of additional expectations, but you adjust and step up to the new mark.

Then in the space of less than two weeks I lost one of my regular coping mechanisms and one of my work colleagues committed suicide. Two separate events, both having a profound affect on me.

Life isn’t always easy to compartmentalise and as much as I’d like to treat these things as two completely separate events, from a mental health perspective, that’s not necessarily how it works. They are, by virtue of the fact I experienced both, inextricably linked.

I have always been open about my own battles with depression and my history of self-harm. I also have people both incredibly close to me and in my wider circle of friends that struggle with/deal with depression and anxiety on a daily basis.

But I also see myself as a strong person. Someone who will stand up for myself, my family, my friends and any underdog who doesn’t seem capable of fighting for themselves. Here though is where I get tripped by one of the quirks of my brain. Because I will fight for others, sometimes I expect those others to fight for me. Why? When they won’t even stand for themselves? I have no idea. It makes no logical sense. That is the way it is though and when they don’t, the little voice in the back of my brain pipes up. ‘Cleary you don’t mean that much to them. Why do you think anyone cares what you are going through?’ Some of you will know that voice I speak of.

Again logically I know my inner dialogue lies. Knowing that doesn’t stop the room closing in, the clouds blocking out the light, or the quicksand pulling me emotionally down.

Here is where coping mechanisms come in. I run, walk, hit something – any kind of solitary workout. I get lost in a book. Sometimes I just repeat to myself while I am lying there, ‘this too shall pass.’

I have something else though. I have people around me I can reach out to. People who understand, to the limit you can understand, the fucked up nature my headspace.

Which brings me to my work colleague and their very final actions.

I work in an incredibly high stress job. The number of suicides is staggering. We all know it. We know the mental health stats. We know there are people, even professionals, we can talk to. And yes I have availed myself of that service.

Still this person, this bright shining star, in possession of a uniques and larger than life personality was clearly suffering.

Why? I think it’s probably the biggest question after something like this. Why didn’t they ask for help? Why did they isolate themselves? Also what the fuck we’re they thinking? I wanted to be so angry with her. We weren’t the closest but I still would’ve been there if she’d asked. And I know she had people close to her who are wondering why didn’t she just reach out to me?

The answer is, I don’t know. I don’t know what she was thinking. I don’t know why she didn’t reach out. I don’t know if or why she thought she wasn’t worth helping.

I don know her actions have had a rippling affect on those who’s lives crossed with hers. I do know she will be sorely missed. And I do know thinking about it still makes me cry.

And so I will say it again, as I have before, if you are struggling for any reason, reach out. Do I need to say it again? Reach out. I will say it as often as I need to. Reach out. You are never alone. There are no easy fixes or quick answers, but there are people who would hate for you to not be in their lives anymore.

Of course things sometimes aren’t that simple. Sometimes the people you expect to support you don’t. For what ever reason. Which brings me to point two, but before I get there, remember don’t give up and don’t believe the lies. One set back isn’t the end of things.

Now this second thing.

I’ve already talked about coping mechanisms. We all have them. I attended a specific event several times a year as a way of de-stressing. It gave me a sense of belonging, a place to let go and be me. In my regular role, it was a place I thought I was useful and quite frankly, good at. I made heaps of friends, had problems I could solve and then bitch about, and fun moments.

Things though have been changing and I don’t claim to understand why. This last week and a bit though, things have come to a head. I know I was usually in a fortunate position, but I felt I’d worked for it and earned it. It seems this was not the case.

For reasons I do not know I was removed from that position and put somewhere I didn’t want to be. Oh don’t get me wrong, it is another position other people desperately want to be, but not me. I’d done it once because I was told I had to, sure it wasn’t exactly the same but it was similar, and it broke me. Plain and simple I had a mini breakdown.

I told them this when the move came up this year and I was told that’s terrible, what can we do to help, and where else would you like to be? I  just wanted to go back to my comfort zone, but it seems this was not an option. So my choice was, do something I was pretty certain wouldn’t end well for me, or go into another area to learn something I didn’t want to learn and be isolated from the very people I had gone to see.

I didn’t want to make this choice. I though long and hard about the decision I ended up making. I cried (yes I am stupidly emotional at times, but I’m hardly the only one and I don’t care). I had many internal debates. I overthought. My stress levels went up. The clouds began to close in.

In the end I knew my initial gut reaction was the one I’d have to go with. I had to walk away.

Now this is something I have devoted hundreds of hours of my life and thousands of my dollars on, and I knew I had to walk away.

Support I expected didn’t come.

I don’t know all of what is going on behind the scenes, or in other people’s lives. I still don’t know why I had to make this decision. I just knew I was hurting and it didn’t seem to matter.

Then something happened.

Support came from unexpected places. Sometimes it’s the people you don’t expect that see things, they see the struggle and understand.

We tell ourselves we should just get over things, deal with things or suck it up. Really that’s not what we need at all. Oh absolutely there are times when those things are all completely valid pieces of advice, but not always.

Sometimes what we need is someone to say – I’m here, what do you need?

The answer isn’t the same for everyone. It could be; ice-cream, a shared laugh, company, a hug or even nothing – because you’ve already done it and I no longer feel alone.

I am very introverted by nature. I love the quiet, home and not being around people, though I can certainly do the opposite. I know though that life is never something we get through alone.

So one door shuts and I’ll have to find another door to open. The ache of the losses will pass and life continues on it’s sometimes not so merry adventure.

For the love of everything, please don’t be afraid to reach for help, it’s there. I know it is. Just maybe not where you thought it would be.

Wow

It is difficult to fathom two things. One that it’s been so long since I posted, I mean November was the last time, really, that seems wrong somehow. Two that we are already into April of 2018.

Let me see how much I can remember to catch you up on.

I went on a mini cruise in January with my family. It’s the first time I’ve been on a cruise and I loved it. It was what my munchkins referred to as an ‘old people’s cruise’, and they weren’t wrong. It was a small boat but still it was good. I had nothing to do, no responsibility and it was great. I didn’t have to clean or cook. I thoroughly not having to do anything except read and write and spend some time with said munchkins, but I didn’t have to do that because they had their cousin to play with. Awesome.

Long and the short of it is, I really want to go on another cruise, just a bit of a bigger boat this time.

Then there is work, lots of work, but I’ve got to pay the bills somehow.

So onto the writing side of things.

I thought I was in really good position to publish book two of the Oparna Legacy for April then something happened. I don’t talk about my faith very often but its there, it underlies much of what I do. I don’t advertise it because I have issues with organised religion and I really don’t like being shoved into claustrophobic boxes. Anyway the long and the short of it is the big man up stairs gave me a task. This task was research heavy and became something like an obsession. Every waking moment it seemed, was taken up with working on it. It was something I’ve never tackled before and something somewhat out of my comfort zone. However it is now done, or at least the bit I can do at the moment is. And no I’m not going to be more specific because I really can’t, there is nothing more I can say until the next stage happens, if there is a next stage.

Oh and I also wrote two short stories that I have now submitted for competitions, both of which were more of the literary fiction type, nothing spec fiction about them at all. It is such a challenge to write in different genres, it may not be something I want to dabble in for a full length project but it is still worth dabbling it in.

Moving on.

In all of that I actually did get book two finished, given a solid second edit, got it to the beta reader and did the read aloud edit with my hubby (who doesn’t read but is a very happy listener who points out good things and bad). As a side note, I find reading aloud a very useful editing tool, because it forces you to go over every word in a way you sometimes don’t when you a a fast reader as I am, and know what you think you wrote, which sometimes you totally didn’t.

I now just need to find the time to catch up with my beat reader, do all those changes and a final edit before I send it to an actual editor.

Then just for fun I have also finished the first run through of book three, and I’m working on two other full length novels, one of which looks like the start of a series that will be longer than three books. So plenty of writing left to go in my very active mind.

Now you are up to date.

I’m on leave and it’s almost Nova time again. Here’s hoping I stay organised enough to update you on a way more regular basis.

 

#MeToo

I nearly didn’t post that hash tag for a number of reasons but not because it wasn’t me. Mostly, or in a large part I would say it was because these days my version of calling you out is to dish what is thrown at me, right back at the person who dished it. You want to comment about my tits I will comment about your dick, or agree with you about how great they are and clearly let you know that they aren’t yours to play with and never will be, you get the idea. If you dish it out you’d better not whinge when I pitch it back. I do this because , at least in my mind, it levels the playing field and lets you know your words have no power over me. I will not as a general rule ignore it, I will not be quiet and let it ride with no rebuttal.

I want to break this down a little. I wasn’t a popular kid. I was teased a lot. I never really thought of it as bullying, but that’s what it was. In those days it was almost always verbal amongst girls or when you were a girl, things have changed a lot as far as that goes. As a result of that teasing I developed a coping mechanism – words. Often bigger words and smarter sentences so I could laugh to myself when the bullies responses missed the mark.

When I was younger the teasing was pretty universal, girls were as bad as the boys. As I got older girls/women somehow recognised their words had little effect or simply decided I wasn’t worth the effort. Boys/men seemed somewhat more oblivious or entitled. Even when I was married and watching my hubby at a gig, guys would approach me and ignore my words of ‘leave me alone’ and ‘I’m not interested’. One night I had to go as far as to tell the pest quite clearly that if he didn’t leave me alone I’d have the bouncers throw him out. His response was something along the lines of ‘bitch!’. I didn’t care about the insult, I owned it because I got what I wanted, to be left alone. The point is though that I shouldn’t have had to do that.

Here are just a few highlights of how this has affected me, it is by no means a complete or comprehensive list.

I was at work once when a co-worker put his hands on me, even after I told him I was happily married and not interested. I pushed him away and told him if he did it again I’d lay him out, or words to that effect, and I spent the rest of my shift making sure I was never alone with him. Again something I shouldn’t have had to do.

Working close in a bar one night, and a male patron tells a very heavily pregnant me, that he’d show me his dick if I let him get another drink. I’ve always wondered what the bouncer saw on my face that night because that patron was rushed out of the bar so quickly I don’t think he understood what was going on. A comment like that should never be acceptable.

Again working in a bar a young guy thought stalking me would be a fun idea. Nothing I said made a difference. What did make the difference was one of the men I worked with. He took him outside one night and five minutes later bought my stalker back in crying, to apologise to me. I never had another problem with that particular person.

As a little positive note, thank you for those men who have stood with me, or got out in front of me.

This kind of thing has been in my life from a very young age. I was incredibly fortunate, my mother paid attention. An off handed comment from me at about the age of 6 led my mother to believe my best friends brother had been inappropriate and she refused to allow me to be over at their place unsupervised. Personally I have no recollection of this but my mother certainly did.

When I started dating my now husband, his ‘best friend’ said to me ‘I won’t take you away from him’, like I was some object to be stolen without a will or a thought of my own. My response in this instance was to inform him I was in no way interested in him and if he tried I’d chew him up and spit him out before breakfast. What gave him the right. (As a little side note I believe I made him cry on possibly more than one occasion because of things he said or did.)

Harassment takes many forms and to my mind bullying and harassment has gotten so much worse since I was a kid. The things my eldest daughter has been subjected to make me so mad and so angry. Sexual harassment has been added into this. The things that some of the boys at school have said and done have meant I have told her that I will stand beside her all the way should she have to use physical means to defend herself or someone else. No it’s not ideal but I will not have her believing she has to sit back and take this crap.

My girls and I all do self-defence, the sheer number of women’s self-defence classes should let us know just how wide this problem stretches. I’ve even gone as far to walk my girls through certain senarios because I’m that concerned about this. My children should not have to know what to do in the event someone tries to attack or rape them. They shouldn’t come home and ask what to do when a boy touches them or makes a sexual comment to them.

I realise there are those who still hold onto the victim blaming culture. I can tell you that there have been times I’ve dressed to accentuate my assests, I do occasionally like to look good but that doesn’t equate to permission. When I was young I dressed that way because as a bullied and somewhat fractured young woman I was simultaneously wanting approval, and society taught me approval comes from sexual appreciation, whilst trying to wrest control of that from the men and boys, to put myself in the driver’s seat. It was to my mind, a variation of the word wall I spoke about in the beginning, it was a way of changing the balance of control.

We build the defences we can and we push a great majority of these things aside and just get on with life. We do this because hitting your head against a wall of those telling you it’s nothing, it doesn’t matter, or to just get over it, gets tiring, not to mention headache inducing. The point though is we shouldn’t have to.

I find it incredibly sad that it has taken the fall of a celebrity to give this movement so much power but by goodness we need to use this momentum while we can to affect the changes we are so desperately in need of. It starts in our homes, work places and schools. It starts across genders. It starts with women not sniping at each other and to stand united. It takes men to understand that, for every time you didn’t believe, didn’t step up for a woman in the multitude of situations you’ve seen, didn’t help when they asked, or dismissed their concerns, that it did damage.

I consider myself a strong woman who certainly knows how to fight her own battles. You know what though? It is tiring. There have been times I’ve wished I simply didn’t have to stand up to a guy whilst other men stood around enjoying the show or ignoring it completely.

We need to come together, the good, the light that is in humanity, I have to believe we can put our egos aside and stand, arm in arm, in the face of inequality (subtle harassment) and the more blatant extremes – words, actions, and all the variations in between, and stare it down. To say NO MORE. That behaviour is no longer acceptable.

United things can be changed, not the past but we can learn.