Holding On To Hope

We’re already well into 2022, in some ways I can’t believe it is February already but here we are.

Here’s the thing, I write a post and I often promise myself I’m going to be better at this, more regular with my updates and then I find out it’s been three months since my last post. Do you think I will get better at this?

I have to wonder I suppose if I was better at this, would I get more book sales? Would my author profile be better? The answer is I really don’t know. I wish it was as easy as some people make it look.

My time is taken up by 12 hour shifts in a really tough job and somehow I have managed to write the drafts for four books in the last 18 or so months, which is no mean feat, I’ll admit that. Writing though is only part of the battle and it is the bit I really like. It’s the promoting myself I’m not really any good at. I wish it was easier for me to yell ‘hey here I am my books are awesome,’ but it’s not.

I could do with a little luck truth be told. If only the right person saw and liked my stuff. I suppose that is the dream of many though, and some will be good and some not so good, added to which writing is a very subjective thing.

Sometimes it is so very hard to hold on to the dream of traditional publication. Yet there are times, especially when it seems hardest, that hope is one of the most important things to hold onto. We have to hope in order to keep moving forward.

So I hold on. It seems at times with the barest tips of my fingers.

I recently was fortunate enough to submit to a publisher and not be shut down immediately – always a good thing. But waiting is hard. You’d think after all this time I’d be better at it. I’m not. I know time is the key and no matter how much I would like answers on my timetable that isn’t how it works. And those who have my stuff on their desks have other priorities, though maybe one day that priority will be me, that day is not today.

I need to remember until the rejection comes, you haven’t been rejected.

My mind though likes to play a different tune and it is sometimes difficult to switch it off, or play something else loud enough to drown those negative thoughts out.

I still have a sliver of hope and there are times that is all we can hold onto.

Into this limbo land of hope I got a little good news. A little boost I had hoped for but not counted on. I was short listed in a short story fiction competition, over 13000 entries and just over 1000 short listed. It goes without saying I’d like to be one of the winners – for both the accolade and the prize money. It would be nice to earn a little from what I work so hard at.

So here I sit, at my keyboard, still holding on by my finger tips.

Hamilton, Creativity and Where We Are Heading.

Oh my goodness, apparently Hamilton isn’t historically accurate (you mean Jefferson didn’t sing and dance that way, or was it that he wasn’t black?) and these historical figures should be blackballed (can I even call it that anymore?) from history because they owned slaves, lived and worked within a culture that owned slaves, and so therefore all the good stuff they did should be negated.

Please people think for a minute.

Firstly – Hamilton is a musical people and an entertaining one, yes it is loosely based on history but the format itself should indicate that liberties have been taken with the story.

Secondly – I’m pretty sure that is it super difficult to portray all the complexities of people in two and a half hours (even my daughter got that Hamilton himself was a bit of a douche). People are often a mix of light and dark (and I’m not talking about skin colour).

Thirdly – and I’m just going to say this, I read and watch fiction stuff because life plain stinks sometimes – but we are getting to the point where if you haven’t lived it, you can’t say anything about it, and that attitude is simply stifling. I have never been a mercenary queen and part dragon (not for lack of wishful thinking) but that is what I’ve written about. Does all this new ‘wokeness’ of people mean I can only write about what I’ve lived, which while funny at times and traumatic at others, will actually cost me my job because I’m not allowed to do that.

Yes I get slavery was wrong, and traumatic on a level I will never understand, but should we not be happy with the fact we think this way now? Should we not look at how far we have come, and set up markers further down the road as sign posts for all the things we still need to change? And whilst on the subject of slavery, you are aware that it is still huge business right? Just thought I should throw that in there.

The arts have a place in our society but so many people seem so concerned with what can and what cannot be said anymore that we are in danger of stifling deep and progressive conversations. It seems scarily like we are walking down a road where opinions are going to be things you can not have in public.

Is slavery bad? Yes, people shouldn’t own other people.

Is being vegan right? Not for me, I like meat, but if that is what you want in your life go for it.

Do black lives matter? Yes.

Are there issues within judicial systems? Yes.

Are there bad cops? Yes.

Are all cops bad? No.

Are the problems only within those systems? No.

Are there bad black/white/and every other colour people? Yes

Are all ‘whatever colour’ people bad? No.

Will cancelling a musical change the intellectual landscape and make us better people? I don’t really see how.

Let us instead continue to have open dialogue, let us look at systems that need changing and how we can change them. Let’s stop stifling creativity, let’s stop telling authors what they can’t write. And yes I know that statement means racist, sexist, and other ‘ist’ arseholes are going to keep spouting crap, but they do that anyway and it doesn’t mean I have to give it any attention, credit it with any value.

We are never all going to think the same, and diversity has value. How can we use this moment in time to keep the conversation going forward? We cannot wipe out our past and in trying to do so we may forget some very valuable lessons. The past can teach us, but we don’t need to dwell there.

And I don’t think demanding the creator of the musical give every penny he has made from it to some charity is a fair expectation. He created something entertaining and educational (I went and read about both Alexander and Elizabeth and learnt stuff) and that isn’t that easy to do, if it was everyone would do it. No creator is perfect but why should they be? How much less joy and beauty would be in our world if we crushed the creative spirit out of everything?

Yes the world needs to change, but we have been changing, it’s just that some are are only now realising how far left we have to go.

Keep On Keeping On

I’m not very good at stopping and doing nothing. Part of me wishes I was. I didn’t even watch two and a half hours of shows today before I switched the tv off having had the constant feeling that I should be doing something else.

Reading is the closest thing I get to a day doing nothing and yet I can’t remember the last time I even let myself do that for a whole day without picking up a pen or filming something.

I actually like the creative part of my life, it focusses and energises me. Whilst I was on leave it was all pretty great. I was producing heaps and my life felt balanced. I was in a zone.

Then though I had to go back to work.

It is a new work environment, and whilst most of the people there are great some aspects of it all are less than ideal, making what is already a stressful work environment even more so.

I have found myself saying more and more often that I don’t give a crap. Last night my hubby told me that I had said it so much that it was beginning to worry about me because that kind of sentiment is just not me.

There are of course plenty of things I do still care about, but I have started to use that phrase as a way to distance myself from things. I am an over thinker and certain things eat away at me, even when they are not of my doing. Right now I don’t have the energy to deal with all those things and I think part of me hopes that if I repeat this sentiment over and over often enough I will stop feeling so much about the things I have no control over.

Problem though is if I start down this path am I going to be able to stop it? Because I never want to be a person with a hard heart that no longer cares for anything. I don’t want these frustrations I’m dealing with to poison my life.

So I need to find a better way going forward.

Usually one of my best coping mechanisms is being creative but even that has changed.

My focus at the moment isn’t a world I’ve made up but a project called RAW, Rough Authentic Worship, and I’m really enjoying it, mostly. I don’t think my faith, for all my obvious and not so obvious flaws, has even been stronger. I am also really enjoying working with my husband. It definitely contributes to helping me maintain.

Thing is though when I went back to work, not only did my stress levels increase, the hours I got to be creative decreased. It was like a double whammy and we are still trying to find a new rhythm.

Then in amongst all that is the doubt and second guessing of myself that is harder to block out when my reserves are as low as mine are now. There is that voice that is telling me to give up RAW because it is a project designed for interaction – to reach out to others, and that side of it seems like a failure, (even though I know these things take time).

Admittedly the feeling of failure is a struggle I have gone through before. Lots of people say positive supportive things but few give action to platitude. Sometimes words are the perfect solution and sometimes they are not.

The difference between RAW and writing a book only a few people read is that RAW is put together with an outward focus and fiction is simply a story I want to tell (and then if someone likes it all the better).

So how do I, in the midst of all this change, when my  feelings are so close to the surface all the time because I don’t have the energy to monitor them especially when I am safe at home, keep hold of my peace and keep moving forward?

I don’t really have the answer to that yet. Like usual I am a work in progress. I am trying to shift my RAW focus – to be grateful for the things I am learning, the skills I am developing.

I am trying to stop the work issues from encroaching on the time I am not at work – finding ways to deliberately distract myself to stop over thinking.

Also I am trying to again find some form of balance. Trying to tell myself again that it is okay to do nothing, as well as getting in time reading just for enjoyment not research and maybe dipping my toes back into fiction as well.

Hopefully one day I will figure it out.

If you are interested in my faith journey you can always check out our Patreon site : https://www.patreon.com/roughauthenticworship

 

 

 

 

A Wonderful Woman

I saw a meme the other day that said ‘ask a man in your life to name a woman they admire and why’.  Well tonight I realised something about a very special woman in my life.

And no it isn’t my mother. Don’t get me wrong she was an amazing lady and I miss her so very much. In fact there are still days I sit and cry as I think on all the things she has missed out on, that my girls missed out on. Oh and as my husband reminded me, it had to be someone you’re not related to.

But I digress.

Yesterday I had a very, incredibly average day at work. I was involved in something and me being me, I couldn’t stop overthinking about it.

When I finally got home, I still felt very unsettled and, if I’m to be honest – a little sick to my stomach.

See I find myself in a transition state where I am stepping into not only a new location but a new role, and everyone is telling me I’ve got this.

I’ve figured out something about myself, and that is I don’t really know how to back myself.

Again though I digress.

A woman whom I admire and why.

See I think it is important not just for men to acknowledge women they admire, but also for other women to lift up the women who mean something to us.

So here it is. Barbara Richardson – as she was when I met her.

She is amazing.

What is my connection to her? She was my boss. But my husband pointed out tonight that I now consider her, in some way family.

I met Barbara when I was at a total quandary in my life. I had gone to the UK on a one way ticket, only to find the job I had, ripped away from me. Long story short, this wonderful lady ended up becoming my boss. I became her au pair. That is fancy speak for saying I was her nanny amongst other things.

This lady amazed me in more ways than I can say, and though I signed no confidentiality agreement, you really don’t need to know the details. Suffice to say there was something about her.

For no apparent reason that I really understand, this wonderful woman always encouraged and supported me. For example whilst other au pairs were run off their feet, she allowed me to follow my theatrical passion amongst other things. She also never, for reasons that even when I look back on our relationship make little sense, treated me as anything less than equal.

To the point then.

Last night, after this less than average day at work, I come home to find a comment on a FB post I had made. I had written about getting used to people looking at me as if I know the answer. Her response was, “Of course you know the answer! Why change the habit of a lifetime?”

For some reason that broke me, but not in a bad way. It was such unconditional support of who I am, that it floored me. I was her nanny for crying out loud, yet she has never been anything but super supportive.

In her life she had been incredibly successful in her chosen field, as well as a wonderful single mother. Somewhere in there she found the space to support and encourage a young woman in ways that still befuddle me.

It is many years later and her lovely son is grown, but we have stayed in touch.

However, I love her, she will always have a special place in my heart and I really felt that she should be acknowledged for the incredible lady she is.

And mostly I just wanted to thank her publicly for being one of the best people to ever have in your corner. The fact she is in mine is just amazing.

Thank you Barbara.

What A Time We Live In

So my lovelies, isn’t this a swell time in which to exist.

Here is the thing though, just because the world is changing doesn’t mean we can go from living to existing. We can still live, we just need to be open to looking outside the parameters we were comfortable with.

Sure as a writer and fairly confirmed introvert sort of person, much of my life hasn’t changed. I still exercise by myself. I still read by myself. I even still write by myself. Sure I have started a faith oriented project which can be found on our Your Tube channel here, or if you’re interested in supporting us, on Patreon here, but that was always going to be happening at this time because this, fortunately for me was when I was going to be on leave from my day job.

Also unlike so many I am fortunate that my job isn’t going anywhere, I am what were are calling essential services, though it may be a forgotten one. I am grateful for that.

I am also still able to write, so my main hobby hasn’t changed.

The only things I usually do that have changed are axe throwing and church. Well church I can still do on line but not being able to finishing the axe throwing league season has hurt.

Still I’m here to focus on some good things, I think. We can use this time to our advantage, and what that is going to look like will be different for each of us. Some like me will get heads down and churn out words, managing to keep busy in a variety of ways, to the point where my loved ones have to remind me that it is alright to stop sometimes. Others will need to take time to stop and think, and remember to breathe. That is okay too. We all will deal with this situation differently, and as long as we are responsible then who cares how you deal.

I read a great post that reminded us that sometimes what we see isn’t the whole picture. The person could be buying paint because they need to keep busy to stop them picking up the bottle, when they are an addict. Or maybe she is buying meters of sewing supplies because creating stuff keeps the depression at bay.

Now is a time for considered actions, behaving according to the best advice of the experts, and reaching out to those we know and love. Reconnect if you have to. I know there are a few people I’ve thought of over the years that I sort of lost touch with and I am using this opportunity to swallow my ego and touch base.

Be here for yourself, and for others. We will get through this, and yes when we come out the other side things will be different but this isn’t the end, it is simply the cliff hanger at the end of book one, book two will be a whole new story.

Love you all, we will prevail.

 

Read

I’m not even joking a little.

I have just started my leave from work, good timing I know being as for the most part self-isolation is what I do best. I have a pile of books I want to read. I heap of writing I want to get done and this new faith project I’m developing.

I simply don’t understand how people are so worried about being stuck at home. I haven’t even added cleaning my house to the list because…well let’s face it, that has never been a priority for me.

Here’s the thing though, just because you can’t be out and about doing everything as normal doesn’t mean that this isn’t a wonderful opportunity.

I read somewhere that as a result of this pandemic certain things will have to stop and this means the earth will be able to take a breath and try for a little reset. I really liked that idea. I think we people need to do this too, embrace all the ideas about stepping back and making the most of the opportunity in front of us.

The world is a vast and wonderful place, there is always something to learn, so why don’t we take advantage of that now. Read the biography you keep putting to the side, or any book for that matter, start learning a language, learn a new skill.

More than that create.

Write, draw, paint, knit, sew. Let us find value in the act of creating.

Let us find healing in the stepping back. Consider the things that truly matter. Write long emails, Skype, phone call. Communicate in ways that are deeper and longer than we have been. Reconnect with the time you have now you are not running frantically from task to task filling up your life with busyness.

Again read. Soak up the stories, the experiences of others, stretch out your perceptions, learn to see through another’s eyes.

And for sanity’s sake stop selfish and panic buying, the harm you are doing in despicable.

Flipping the Narrative

I was attending a meeting with a bunch of amazing women whose goal is to improve conditions for other women in the workplace. Yes, it is very union driven, yes, we advocate for equality, no we don’t man bash or burn our bras. Anyway, one of the women was sharing a story and in its telling she was using a word that for some reason was bothering me. Sometimes when this happens it’s more of a Princess Bride thing ‘You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.’

This wasn’t one of those situations, it was more that she was using the word because we are so used to it being used to describe women dealing with things emotionally. The word she was using was ‘weak’.

Before going further let’s look at the definition of that word:

1. Lacking the power to perform physically demanding tasks, having little physical strength or energy.
2. Liable to break or give way under pressure, easily damaged.

Now let’s hit the thesaurus: delicate, puny, flabby, flaccid, debilitated, feeble, frail, sickly – you get the idea.

Why the English lesson you ask? Simple, this woman was talking about women and using weak as the descriptor, ‘women should be allowed to be weak, have weak moments.’ Being puny, flabby, frail and easily damaged is not at all what she meant. (OMG it is a Princess Bride thing.) She was talking about visibly expressing emotions. In the course of what she said she unwittingly changed ‘weak’ to ‘vulnerable’ and I thought that was a better word:

Vulnerable – exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. Coming from the Latin vulnus – wound; vulnerare – to       wound.

So then again maybe not.

Expressing emotions, being emotional doesn’t mean easily damaged or weak. I think it is time we start changing the words we use, especially the ones we use unconsciously.

Women are not the weaker sex!

Yes, I said it. Oh, I’m not going to deny that generally men are physically stronger, but we all know that’s not what we are actually talking about. It is entirely possible that is where the phrase started from, a general physical descriptor, somewhere along the way though it came to mean so much more.

It became a way to limit woman’s participation in society. We weren’t allowed to learn on an equal footing and so we were considered intellectually inferior. We were restricted in the types of employment we could get, limiting our independence, meaning we were rather dependant on men for financial survival – therefore less capable which meant weaker. Women process things differently – there are research papers and books galore proving this – but because a lot of that processing involves emotions, men say we are weaker.

I know I am not the only one who cries at really irritating moments. There was this one time I was sparring with this guy and he clocked me one in the head. I freaking belted him till I was pulled out. I was fine until someone asked me if I was okay and I burst into tears. I wasn’t hurt, I hadn’t lost – not that it was a fight, I was just processing and the adrenaline and frustration of him not being censured for breaking the rules resulted in me losing it momentarily. Which just made it all worse because I came down on myself for being weak. I say again, I wasn’t hurt and I’d gone hard at the guy after – there is nothing weak about that. Perception is though that tears equals weakness.

What a crock of shit. Emotions are powerful and can be overwhelming. What they are not, is a weakness. So how about we consider that women have inherent strength due to the fact we were created to process the full tsunami impact of emotions (oh and go through childbirth) and men were not. In fact, that men have determinedly refused to allow emotions a place has been proved to be damaging, hence the push in recent years to say it’s okay to get in touch with what is going on inside.

Women have been restricted, persecuted, belittled, abused and debased and we still keep pushing forward. We then get back on our feet and take the next step towards where we want to be, with tear tracks marking our faces as we do so. This is strength. The ability to endure, to overcome. To keep raising our voices even whilst being told to hold our tongues, or just plain ignored.

So let us go forward now, no longer saying women need to be allowed moments of weakness or vulnerability when what we are referring to are periods of assessment, processing and growth.

Embrace all the differences, all the moments and reach out a hand when you need to, knowing it isn’t weakness, it is simply understanding what it is you need as you journey through life.

Women are resilient, determined, creative, instinctive, smart, driven and powerful, and we can do all of it whilst laughing, crying and experiencing every emotion in between.

 

Perseverance

Sometimes I wonder why. Then I scoff at myself because I know why. I write because I have to, there are ideas floating, sometimes churning around in my head that have to be let out. That want and demand a life of their own, silly as that may sound.

The other day I was in a book store and I was looking at all these new titles that I thought I wouldn’t mind checking out even though my bank account isn’t that friendly and I wondered what I was playing at thinking myself an author. I am one though. I am also published, sure I haven’t cracked the traditional market but does that make me any less an author? I don’t think it does. I work incredibly hard on my books, I write, I edit, I re-edit and I pay for a professional edit. This whole process takes massive amounts of time, mind space and effort, so I guess I shouldn’t really question whether I am an author.

Yes I wish I could see my books on a shelf, and maybe one day that will be a thing. For now though I just have to persevere with what I do, slog through the daily effort of juggling a full time job, a family and writing, in the hope that one day I will earn the break I’m working towards.

When It All Gets To You

Today isn’t the best of days, mostly it was fine, then some news came that kind of threw me, but then I’m kind of used to life throwing me curveballs. I had a few moments of fuck it all! I’m done, I’m sick of putting myself out there and getting slapped down. It doesn’t matter if these things are public or been kept quiet enough that the only people who know about it are me and hubby, they still hurt. That is life though, isn’t it, I mean if we’re honest about it all. Sure some people seem to have it all but for most of us life is just a bit of a rollercoaster. I know I will be fine, I may want to give up but in all likelyhood I won’t, I’ll just pick myself up and throw myself back into things. All things considered though, it feels as though today is a good day to share the following that I wrote a little while ago.

So for consideration…

Not that long ago I was involved in a thing at work that messed me up pretty bad, not physically but mentally. I thought at the time that I was dealing with it fine, I took a mental health day to process it all and then went back to work for the next regular shift 2 days later. Then it all fell apart. I was asked a few questions, received unexpected support and saw anger on my behalf and that shattered through the walls I had put up around my mind. We compartmentalise, it is one of the ways we survive.

I admitted I wasn’t coping, no easy thing even when I’m balling my eyes out at work still trying to protest that there is nothing wrong and with just a few hours off I’d be fine to get back into it. I was lucky, I had support. More than that I had understanding, more than I realised. I work with a lot of really tough people, we have to be to do our job. It’s hard for strong people to admit they need time, help or have cracked, but we need to if we want to do the job for a long time.

I realised very quickly I needed to allow myself the time to work through everything related to the incident and a few other things that had contributed to my mental health issues. I saw a Dr and then booked in my first appointment with a psych. 

There were moments I was fine with the path I was taking but there were also moments when I felt bad, like I was letting people down because I was taking time off work. I needed it. Without question I know I needed it. It took several weeks, Dr’s appointments and a couple of psych sessions. Time is a great healer, but it wasn’t just time, it was also the support I had. 

So here’s what I learnt from this experience: It doesn’t matter how strong we are mentally, it doesn’t make us impervious; admitting we need help is hard but doesn’t make us any less in any way; talking about it to outside people helps with processing that which needs to be worked through; having a support network is important – know who you can reach out to and allow them to come alongside you, support you and make you accountable.

I took my time, then I took my normal leave and did what I do on leave – reading, writing and conventions. Now I feel like I’m about ready to get back into things, except for the part of me that wishes writing could be my normal job, you know the one that pays my bills.

That all aside, the whole point of this is to let you know that sometimes it is hard to ask for help or even accept it but take it from someone who’s been there, do it! It’s not a failing, not a weakness, in fact view it as a strength, because sometimes other people’s strength is just what we need. Sometimes time and help is what gets you back to where you need to be to do that which you are meant to do.

The world needs more of you, just sometimes you don’t need to it alone.

Three Things

A beautiful friend of mine has recently started a business pushing (sorry selling) make up. Now if you know much about me, you’ll know that make up is one of those things that is a very low priority in my life. I wear it on stage or for special occasions, I’m just too lazy to bother with that in my everyday. I’m not going to write here about my lack skill or disinterest in make up, what I am going to comment on is something I think is incredibly important – women’s self esteem.

Now my friend knows the women she has targeted, we’re nerdy, geeky and a few other fun descriptors, so she caters to that by running fun little competitions. Her interactive approach certainly dragged me in. But targeted marketing is not my topic.

What has driven me to write this post is one of the games she posted where it said: what would your warning label say and state three things you like about yourself. Can you guess which part sparked this blog post?

The warning part turned out to be easy. Everyone can have a little fun with that. Turns out though that writing publitlythree things you like about yourself is somewhat more difficult.

Part way through writing my three things I started to feel guilty that I hadn’t written down anything about being a wife/mother or family related. I don’t know if its’ just me or women in general but so much of our identity is derived from others, at least when talking in a public forum. My family are hugely important to me and I’m incredibly happy with my life for the most part. Sure there are always things that aren’t perfect, but what is a perfect life and why would i want it anyway when I am clearly not perfect. That may be a whole other thought stream though, so back to my current topic.

When I settled on my three things I’ll admit to being a little surprised that I could have written more, so I will use this opportunity to get into this a little more. This may seem a little self indulgent but it’s my post and I’m going to be unapologetic about it.

Things I like about myself:

My brain, it functions well. I read, think and love to learn.

My body, I have abs, I worked hard for them, I needed to as I’m in my 40’s, have had two kids and wasn’t blessed with a metabolism that means I can eat what I want. I am stronger and fitter now than i was in my skinnier, younger years. The problem is when I google my ideal weight, I am currently apparently over weight. Crap is what I say to that. If I got down to my ‘ideal’ weight, what I would lose is most of my muscle mass and I like being strong. Sure I wish the last o f my mummy tummy would go the heck away but I’m pretty damn proud of this body of mine otherwise.

As a person I’m proud of my determination, fierce loyalty and my work ethic. I am comfortable with the fact I am a complex creature who is basically an introvert. I love feeling capable and strong. I have a giggle when people say I’m scary and feel a little bemused when people call me inspiring. I enjoy my job, to the bemusement of most and I’m proud to say I’m a published author – though part of me is still a little disappointed I had to do it myself in the end. I know I don’t comfortably fit into the boxes society likes to use and I’m good with that. My friends are the ones who accept the many, sometimes broken layers, of who I am, abrasive edges and all.

Now to the point of this self indulgence. Introspection. It’s always good to acknowledge our strengths. Knowing what we like about ourselves can help us through the harder and darker moments of life, if we allow ourselves to embrace them.

This leads nicely to the second part of my thought process from that little game. Whilst the warning part was easy and many participated, more than a few didn’t write anything for this second part. I haven’t asked why this is but I do have a few speculations. When life isn’t perfect, or even good, it can be hard to see the positive to find the things we like. Most of us don’t like to toot our own trumpets because we are socially coerced into believing it is wrong, arrogant or something. Thirdly, sometimes we just don’t know how to answer that question, when taking a close look at ourselves it’s so much easier to see the flaws and things we don’t like.

This is sad. Think about it. So much of what society pushes subliminally (and sometimes not that subtly) is that a successful woman is one who adheres to, or measures up against certain stereotypes and appearances. We are judged by how we fit into the boxes, not how we colour those boxes in. Women are still taught not to rock the boat, we still know that our success can be undercut by men – this is how Weinstein got away with what he did. We are shown pretty pictures and told, this is the ideal.

Well I’m going to call bullshit. Women are varied, and strong and flawed and more than capable in achieving whatever goals they set for themselves. Sometimes our own worst enemy is ourselves, we allow ourselves to quietly sit where society has placed us, we pick on other women who don’t fit that norm and thereby reinforce the crap. It is time we stopped doing that. It is time we embraced ourselves for the awesomeness  and individuality that is in all of us.

After all this my point simply is, finding three things about ourselves that we like shouldn’t be hard, and certainly admitting and embracing them shouldn’t be shied away from. i challenge you to look deeply into yourself. Look at your perceived flaws from a different perspective (I’m not bossy or a bitch, I’m organised and focused, I get shit done). Look at yourself in a positive light, examine the things that make you you. The sum of your parts, good bad, indifferent, is what makes you interesting. It is what makes you not fit the mould and proves you are no Stepford woman. Look at your body and be proud. Look at your achievements and what you do well and take satisfaction in them. Look at your personality and shout about how awesome you are.

There is an old Japanese custom where a broken item is repaired with gold, making it more beautiful because of it’s flaws. It is about time we allowed ourselves to embrace this.

I am flawed and I am awesome.

Shout it, believe it.