Tag Archive: Stress


Keep On Keeping On

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I’m not very good at stopping and doing nothing. Part of me wishes I was. I didn’t even watch two and a half hours of shows today before I switched the tv off having had the constant feeling that I should be doing something else.

Reading is the closest thing I get to a day doing nothing and yet I can’t remember the last time I even let myself do that for a whole day without picking up a pen or filming something.

I actually like the creative part of my life, it focusses and energises me. Whilst I was on leave it was all pretty great. I was producing heaps and my life felt balanced. I was in a zone.

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Then though I had to go back to work.

It is a new work environment, and whilst most of the people there are great some aspects of it all are less than ideal, making what is already a stressful work environment even more so.

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I have found myself saying more and more often that I don’t give a crap. Last night my hubby told me that I had said it so much that it was beginning to worry about me because that kind of sentiment is just not me.

There are of course plenty of things I do still care about, but I have started to use that phrase as a way to distance myself from things. I am an over thinker and certain things eat away at me, even when they are not of my doing. Right now I don’t have the energy to deal with all those things and I think part of me hopes that if I repeat this sentiment over and over often enough I will stop feeling so much about the things I have no control over.

Problem though is if I start down this path am I going to be able to stop it? Because I never want to be a person with a hard heart that no longer cares for anything. I don’t want these frustrations I’m dealing with to poison my life.

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So I need to find a better way going forward.

Usually one of my best coping mechanisms is being creative but even that has changed.

My focus at the moment isn’t a world I’ve made up but a project called RAW, Rough Authentic Worship, and I’m really enjoying it, mostly. I don’t think my faith, for all my obvious and not so obvious flaws, has even been stronger. I am also really enjoying working with my husband. It definitely contributes to helping me maintain.

Thing is though when I went back to work, not only did my stress levels increase, the hours I got to be creative decreased. It was like a double whammy and we are still trying to find a new rhythm.

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Then in amongst all that is the doubt and second guessing of myself that is harder to block out when my reserves are as low as mine are now. There is that voice that is telling me to give up RAW because it is a project designed for interaction – to reach out to others, and that side of it seems like a failure, (even though I know these things take time).

Admittedly the feeling of failure is a struggle I have gone through before. Lots of people say positive supportive things but few give action to platitude. Sometimes words are the perfect solution and sometimes they are not.

The difference between RAW and writing a book only a few people read is that RAW is put together with an outward focus and fiction is simply a story I want to tell (and then if someone likes it all the better).

So how do I, in the midst of all this change, when my  feelings are so close to the surface all the time because I don’t have the energy to monitor them especially when I am safe at home, keep hold of my peace and keep moving forward?

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I don’t really have the answer to that yet. Like usual I am a work in progress. I am trying to shift my RAW focus – to be grateful for the things I am learning, the skills I am developing.

I am trying to stop the work issues from encroaching on the time I am not at work – finding ways to deliberately distract myself to stop over thinking.

Also I am trying to again find some form of balance. Trying to tell myself again that it is okay to do nothing, as well as getting in time reading just for enjoyment not research and maybe dipping my toes back into fiction as well.

Hopefully one day I will figure it out.

If you are interested in my faith journey you can always check out our Patreon site : https://www.patreon.com/roughauthenticworship

 

 

 

 

I Wrote This Week

Those words may seem insignificant but for me they are huge. I don’t mean I wrote a few hundred words I mean I got over a couple of thousand down. This was such a great feeling.

Just being able to start to sink myself again into Evayn and her life and to be able to give her more than a passing thought.

I’m starting to fill up again on my world, my characters, people who mean something to me, even if they don’t to anyone else yet.

Actually I probably am at a point where I need to strip everything off my desk again and reorganise it.

I am also just about ready to send off my sample to the person who is going to hopefully give me some good feedback. As writers it is hard to hand stuff over sometimes. Friends will often be kind to you (I have some good ones who are honest and wield a red pen when necessary) a complete stranger has no reason not to tell you what you’ve put in front of them is complete shit. Getting feedback like that is something that I fret a little about though to be honest I try not to. Getting good feedback though gives you a little boost. It can kickstart a lagging drive. It can help you push through the thing that is keeping you from your muse.

The hope of positive feedback still doesn’t make it easy to hand stuff over. So think of me as I take that somewhat difficult step this week.

I will keep you up dated, even if it is just to say “I suck….and I am throwing a pity party”, then I’ll snap out of it and get on with the real task of putting pen to paper (fingers to keyboard).

Silly Season

I love christmas, I love buying presents for my family. I love giving gifts. I don’t love working in retail at christmas. I don’t love the people who leave their gift shopping till so close to christmas then get pissy that what they want isn’t in stock. They also seem to think that that they can get it online, so close to christmas. Not necessarily so.

Still stupid things from work aside, I’m happy to say I’m still writing. I still have loads of reading to catch up on and I mean loads but I am still managing to get pen to paper. I’ve got to say again thank you NaNo. I mean it really did give me the focus to write again and once that flow was re-established it is still there. Such a relief I’ve got to say. I’m still inspired to write a couple of projects and I’m pretty much getting something written everyday. Maybe not a lot but something is better than nothing.

Also some crap has been going on so in some ways there has been the pressure to forget the passion, to stop the writing and find a way to spend my time that provides better money. I can’t not write. I know I can’t. But there are times…

I’m sure you know what I mean.

 

Another Week

It is very tempting to not write anything this week, mostly because there is nothing good to say. Or at least that is how it feels.

Work has been tough and sad, it is so sad watching the section I put so much time into collapsing down to nothing. It’s also sad watching the rest of the store disintegrate as well. Then there are all the silly customers who thing we want to answer the same three questions all the time; ‘are you closing?’ ‘when?’ ‘why?’. Then there are the annoying ones who say things like ‘where are you going to be able to work after this?’ It’s none of their business but so far I’ve restrained from saying anything particularly rude.

I have almost finished one of my short stories for a submission. That’s on the good side. On the bad side my submission for my novel has been rejected and while I know that is a large part of the business it came at a really stressful time for me. Also I’ve been contemplating that, while I feel strongly about my YA project I wonder if I may not be better off letting it go. That’s the thing about writing, sometimes you really have to just let go of some ideas that you really like.

I will not give up. I haven’t yet and I’m not sure I know how but right now I’m feeling a bit down. The highlight of my week has been the good stuff that has been happening with TheKylieVerse. I have also done a lot of really good reading lately and that’s not a bad thing. I love Tamora Pierce, Michael Pryor and Ally Carter among other authors but these three have made this week better, so thank you guys.

I’ve Done It Again

Yes, though not to quite the extreme that I have done before.

Yes I have allowed a deadline to creep up on me. It’s all good though. I’ve had a lot of trouble motivating myself to write, what with all that’s going on at work (or lack there of ) hoping I can find a new job and all that goes with it.

On the plus side, this time the story I’m submitting is one I’ve already started, in fact it’s almost written, or at least the draft is. It also is a story that has been flitting around in the back of my mind while all the rest of everything has been going on.

I’ve also done some great reading lately; Abandon by Meg Cabot, Moment of Truth and Hour of Need by Michael Pryor, The Magicians by Lev Grossman. Reading is a great balm to the circumstances, though I am wondering if my sugar (chocolate) intake has increased.

An End and a Beginning

Work is closing, we were told this week and the information had barely settled before the outside company rep had come in and started putting up all the tacky discount signs that make our store look like a bad warehouse rug store.

Even when you know it’s coming, news like that is a bit hard to deal with, particularly when it’s a job you really love and one where there is not exactly a lot of opportunities to find another position.

So writing hasn’t really been a priority in a week full of bad news, sickness and probably more than a little stress. I refuse to be consistently negative about this though, trying instead to look at it as an opportunity I can’t see yet. A door will open even though I don’t know how. I don’t even know how long I have a job for because there is no definite date of doors closing. It’s difficult to focus when so much is up in the air. On the up side though we are looking at options that will give me more time at home, therefore more time to write.

Maybe there will be more positive news next week.